I don’t know what day of “quarantine” you’re on (I had a tally list going at first, but found that to be rather detrimental to my mental health so I tossed it after day 14), but wherever you are in the world, you’ve likely experienced some type of disruption from the pandemic known as COVID-19.
For many, including myself, escaping stress and anxiety through scrolling memes on social media has become one of the many ways we cope with the “world as we knew it” crumbling down around us.
Now I love an internet meme just as much as the next person, in fact, I follow several accounts dedicated to memes completely, and have honestly found a lot of comfort in some of the memes that comment on the pandemic. I know this isn’t everyone’s cup of tea, but humor helps me feel a little bit more distanced from the chaos of the world so I have enjoyed scrolling through some of the photos with witty little captions that seem to offer just a moment of comedic release. If you are familiar with memes, you may have seen the one that I’m about to comment on. If not, no worries, I have conveniently added it to this post:
Honestly, when I first saw this, I was like “Hell yeah, just stay home! This isn’t that hard.” But most of this reaction was driven by my fear and “righteous anger.” Social distancing guidelines had just started being put into place, and many people who were still skeptical about the severity of this virus were still going about their daily lives and bragging about how they were not going to stay home.
My own fear response was to become critical of others and I immediately latched onto this sentiment of persecuting those who complained this would be hard, because it was easier than sitting with my own fears.
My inner pride was triggered and I immediately felt I was right. Staying home and watching Netflix? Not going to bars and restaurants? Doing home workouts in place of ones at your local gym or studio? That is EASY. There is nothing hard about this! “If you care about other people this should be a no brainer!”
A lot of times our emotional gut reactions to causes we care about come from a good place, but may be misguided. And of course, this was one of those times.
As I began to navigate the pandemic personally and alongside clients, I began to realize that this little meme (and all the rationality behind it) is very flawed. What once seemed like a flippant, entertaining internet picture, now felt invalidating to my experience and to the experiences of those that I work with and care for.
People began having psychotic breaks. And no, I don’t use that as a slang term, but rather in the clinical sense of people coming to the emergency room experiencing psychosis for the first time because the chronic stress, trauma, and poverty that they have trained themselves to manage for so long were no longer able to be contained under the added weight of fear for their lives and the lives of those they love.
Children in foster homes began disrupting (in the world of social work that’s code for families saying that they can no longer house a child because they have gotten unsafe or out of hand). The kids who remained at home continued to act up, get police called on them, and refused to do school work.
I began to find myself slipping into old negative habits, escaping my body as a substitute for sitting with the scary and hard emotions that came with each new day of being separated from friends, clients, and my hopes for the future. Client experiences aside, this pandemic began to feel personal, threatening my plans for reunions with friends, weddings, and five year plans.
This pandemic is HARD. It is hard on all of us, in different ways certainly, but hard on all of us nonetheless.
With all of this being said, obviously this meme is BS.
But beyond that, this meme represents a harmful practice that we as a society continue to perpetuate.
The idea that we need to minimize our own emotions to make room for someone else’s who we think has experienced “more” pain or “worse” trauma is flawed thinking at its worst.
The idea that someone else’s experience is more valid because it checked off more boxes on a trauma screen is harmful, and it is just wrong.
When we begin to internalize these distorted thoughts and succumb to this type of thinking, it has real life consequences. When we begin to believe that our pain is “less than” or “unworthy,” the idea of seeking out help begins to invoke shame and stops us from ever moving forward.
When we feel that our stories aren’t worthy to take up space, it prevents us from sharing our innermost experiences in safe, trusting relationships and teaches us that vulnerability may be helpful for others, but it’s just not for us.
When we begin to rank our personal pain and experiences on a scale, we also begin to see the world in a way that labels other people’s pain, too. If we allow ourselves to begin to invalidate our own experiences and emotions, the practice of invalidating others’ experiences won’t be far off.
So no, surviving a pandemic is not just sitting on our couches and watching Netflix. Our brains are wired for survival, and once they are made aware of a threat to our safety, our Amygdala’s are activated (that’s our fear response part of our brains), whether we are at war or at home on our couches. Trauma is trauma, suffering is suffering, and grief is grief, and each person’s experience will always look different but that does not mean that is less than or invalid. As shame researcher Brené Brown says, shame is dangerous because it keeps us from telling our stories. When we feel that our stories are not worthy of being heard, we live in the shadows and our pain festers and grows.
Whatever your experience has been during this pandemic, the pain you are experiencing is valid. Maybe you have been battling an increase in anxiety while worrying about your elderly loved ones. Perhaps your time at home has brought up deeply buried memories of a time where, like present day, you felt unsafe. Maybe you have been laid off and are stressed about finances and providing for your family. Whatever your experience has been, it is your story and it is real.
It may seem radical to acknowledge our pain and fear as “enough” (as strange as that sounds), but it can be the first step in retraining our brains, and our communities, to practice radical acceptance.
The first step starts with us. The next time societal standards or pressure from family begins to tell you that your pain is small and unworthy, that it is not worth being discussed or making other people uncomfortable, speak up. Find a trusted person. Find a therapist. Process those emotions. Just because someone else projects their desires to have smaller feelings onto you does NOT mean that your feelings aren’t valid “enough” to be shared.
The next time someone you love starts to share something hard and immediately backtracks, saying “Sorry, I know you don’t want to hear about all this,” remind them that their stories deserve to be heard, and if you’re in a place to do so, offer to be the safe place for them to share it.
Can you even imagine? A world where each person feels empowered to share their story, to seek out help, and to be bold in speaking their deepest fears and challenges?
That is a world that I hope to one day be a part of, after this pandemic has come and gone, and all of our emotions remain.